omg crazy lady screaming at teens (spoiler: it’s me)
Y’all. OUCH.
Ever do something in the heat of the moment and, at the time, it FEELS right and just? You are CERTAIN you’ve got the moral high ground, you KNOW that the other person was so fully in the wrong that it’s even —okay if your own behavior sinks down closer to their level in the height of your reaction?
….Only to replay the experience in your head, on repeat, for HOURS, absolutely agonizing about every little thing you said and did, and how positively MORTIFYING it is that you behaved that way? (Yeah, ME TOO.)
And, as an added bonus, EVERYBODY now has a cell phone with a camera in their pocket, and is conditioned to immediately whip it out at the first sign of unflattering behavior, hit record, and post it online for everyone to see and judge, because THEY TOO think that THEY were somehow in the right. Yikes!
In an effort to be more succinct, I’ll skip the full recap of what happened and instead offer this brief outline of events:
Observed EXTREMELY reckless driving in crowded residential and commercial spaces, including nearly clipping a man who was performing landscaping work along the curb
Became enraged, did some middle finger waving and laying on the horn, feeling quite justified in my road rage
By chance, pulled into the same parking lot that car did, and I took the opportunity to behave like an incensed, insane lunatic and SCREAM at the two in the car
Congratulated myself (briefly) on my moral high ground, even as a positively terrified teenager filmed my ranting with wide eyes, before re-entering my own body (and reality) and recognizing how ridiculous this encounter was
When they finally slowed down to a stop to film me, I yelled something about ‘quit driving like f***ing maniacs’ (I have the mouth of a sailor), ‘there are CHILDREN along those roads!’, ‘you’re breaking the law!’, etc etc etc, I saw the fear on the young passenger’s face and yelled something ridiculous like, “I’m not a danger to you, the person DRIVING you is the one you should be afraid of right now!”
All the rantings of a perfectly reasonable, sane, level-headed, emotionally intelligent, highly educated, mindfulness-teaching coach…. Right? <CRINGE> I’m so deeply embarrassed. In the moment, I honestly believed I was behaving in an only slightly extreme manner to achieve the very noble, righteous goal of trying to get through to this crazy, entitled, dangerous driver that they were going to kill somebody, and very likely a child!
Now, looking back, I realize that they were no more than children themselves, at the height of the developmental period where kids have access to deadly technology (ie vehicles) but are still delusional enough to think that bad things won’t happen to them, and that they’re practically immortal. The prefrontal cortex isn’t even fully matured until around 25 years of age. They “know” better, but they don’t KNOW better.
What’s my excuse, though? I’m 40, my advanced executive functions are intact, and on top of that, I’m educated, experienced, and highly skilled in managing my reactions to my feelings! I have no excuse here, if I’m honest.
I feel truly awful about scaring them. I’m picturing that poor girl’s terrified face, thinking I’m going to somehow try to hurt them, not knowing that I was terrified myself, thinking they were going to kill a child… possibly themselves, even.
But here’s what I learned from my bad behaviors today: my reaction was to a misplaced fear that their driving would not only harm someone, but was in fact mere moments away from killing my own child—my child who was safely home, a few miles away, and not actually in any immediate danger. (This page offers a brief description of the neurobiology of trauma brain, which is a leading player in this particular tale.) Fear had taken me out of the reality of the moment and was running the show. I learned about a trigger I wasn’t aware I had, and that my reactions to that trigger can be quite extreme and at odds with my personal values, and that I don’t want to live my life in that way. I learned that no amount of education and experience will make me perfect, and that I will always make mistakes, and that I can love myself through the repercussions of those mistakes. I’ve also learned that I don’t particularly want to see videos of myself screaming at children, nor do I want others to see that side of me.
So what can I do about this now?
Mostly nothing, because the past is, after all, in the past. But I CAN learn to be okay with the fact that I embarrassed myself, terrified some kids, and may see myself go viral in the coming weeks if it ends up online, absent context, and in a culturally-appealing package... And I can cut myself some slack for being human, even if that happens.
Much more importantly to me, though, I can choose to learn from this experience — recognize that I have a trigger here that I hadn’t previously been aware of. Practice mindfulness and focused breathing when I’m driving, and perhaps prepare myself before driving for possible triggers that could come up. Plan to react in a more reasonable and productive manner, perhaps immediately finding a place to pull over and slow my heartbeat and breathing patterns, let the offending driver get so far out of my sightline that I can’t be tempted to try to “educate” them on their errors, maybe even close my eyes and meditate for 60-90 seconds if I’m in a safe location to do so.
This was not my finest moment, but I’ve survived far worse than this, and now I have an opportunity to go forward with more knowledge, more awareness, and hopefully not re-create this in the future.
And I have the bonus of sharing my atrocious behaviors and mortification with strangers on the internet… Because I’m practicing vulnerability, even when (especially when?) it’s painful for me.
